Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

You’re lying in bed watching the news with your husband when you see it, and you can’t help but pause the television and nudge him awake.

            “What?” He’s groggy and gives you some well-deserved side-eye.

            “You gotta hear this, it’s about the neighbor?”

            The neighbor who, only a month ago, was at your housewarming party with the most delectable oatmeal raisin cookies you’ve ever tasted. The neighbor who, when you first moved in, said she would love to help you unpack and set up the house, then showed up that very weekend to help do as she’d offered, bringing fresh-baked oatmeal raisin cookies. The very same sweet lady who’d told you her door was open anytime as she patted your shoulder and welcomed you to the neighborhood with a warm grandmotherly smile.

            “The one next door where all the yellow police tape was this evening?”

            “Yes, and it doesn’t sound good either.” You tell him with a bit of urgency as you press the rewind button on the remote to take the newscast back to the beginning of the story.

            A Lakewood woman, seventy-four-year-old Kelly Brock, was arrested today in connection with the disappearance of one hundred-year-old Mason Werner as well as the suspected murder and dismemberment of seventeen other people.

            The elderly man was reported missing from Sunrise Village Assisted Living Facility two days ago when Brock, his private nurse, failed to return the man after an overnight hospital procedure. When staff at the assisted living facility contacted the hospital, they were told he never checked in. Since Werner has no living relatives, staff could only assume that he was with Ms. Brock, who had not been answering their calls or text messages. Concerned that something had happened to the pair, the assisted living facility reported them both missing and requested a welfare check to the address of the nurse. When police arrived at Brock’s home, there appeared to be no one there. Officers were able to gain entry to the home, citing concern that an at-risk adult may be inside. When officers entered the home, they discovered the dismembered remains of Mr. Werner along with seventeen shrunken heads. Authorities say Brock was stitching the eyes shut on one shrunken head matching the photo of Mr. Werner supplied by the assisted living facility.

            During her arrest, Kelly Brock can be heard on body cam footage saying through tears, “My collection, please don’t disturb my lovely collection. I’ve worked so hard to make them beautiful!”

            “So these are human remains? These are real shrunken heads?” Office Douglas Short of Lakewood PD asked.

            “Yes, aren’t they beautiful? Didn’t I do a spectacular job?”

            Police have called in a forensics team, who will be working to identify the collection of shrunken heads. A press conference is scheduled for nine o’clock tomorrow morning, and, as always, we will bring you more as this case unfolds. If you have any information that may help investigators in this case, please contact your local police department.

            “Wow,” your husband blinks in disbelief at the television. “She seemed like such a sweet lady.”

            “Yeah,” you swallow the lump this has given you, “I wondered what all the crime scene tape and cops were all about. I wanted to ask, but didn’t want to appear nosy.”

            “I figured she’d died or something. Never could have imagined she was a serial killer, though,” your husband yawns and lies back against the pillows.

            “It’s really too bad,” you say, “she made the best oatmeal raisin cookies I’ve ever tasted.”

            “Yeah, she did! We have any left?”

            “I put the last two in your lunch this morning.”

            “Damn,” your husband yawns and asks, “Did you get the recipe?”

            “I was gonna ask for it when I took the plate back to her.”

            “You just don’t wanna bake me cookies,” he jokes as he rolls over.

            “Probably a good thing I didn’t,” you say as you reach for the remote.

            “Yeah, they’d probably have your head in a forensics lab too,” he says.

            You kiss him as you shut off the television and drift off to sleep.